Most people have A LOT of trouble with “empathy.” One of my clients recently said “I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far without knowing this!” (Her prior relationships have not turned out well…)
Since empathy is a very basic and important communication skill, I have indicated below some things that are NOT empathy, but which often are confused with empathy.
“I’m sorry” is NOT empathy, it is sympathy.
“I want to help” is NOT empathy, it is offering assistance.
“I understand what you’re saying” is NOT empathy, it is “mirroring.”
“I understand what you’re feeling” IS empathy!
Some other things that are NOT empathy:
The mere statement “I understand your feelings” is not empathy. It must be backed up by some explanation that shows you do indeed understand the feelings.
For example if someone says “I lost my job” a typical reaction might be
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that! Is there anything I can do to help?”
But this is not empathy, and does not give the other person assurance that you really understand.
The empathetic response would be something like:
“I understand how anxious you probably feel. It is not easy searching for a job in this market. And you are no doubt worried about how to meet expenses with no money coming in. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a little bit angry with your boss. And probably you will miss your friends at the office.”
The “fact” is loss of a job. The “feelings” are “anxious,” “worried,” “angry,” “lonely,” etc. The other person will very much appreciate you if you respond with this kind of understanding.
A statement “I understand your feelings BUT…” is defensive and is not empathy. It shows you are too eager to tell YOUR feelings. To be truly empathetic you must listen and respond with words that show deep understanding until the other person feels understood. Only then will he or she be able to listen to your feelings, especially in an emotionally charged situation.
It is important to note that it is possible to listen to, understand, and respond empathetically without agreeing with or liking the other person’s actions or feelings.
For instance, if your boyfriend says “I think we shouldn’t live together any more” your immediate reactions will probably be shock and fear and anger. But you need to hold those at bay until you find out why, and the feelings behind the action, and show that you understand those feelings.
This statement might warrant a “mirroring” response, such as “I hear you saying you think we shouldn’t live together, right?” “Is there more?” This shows you heard his words and are not going to be defensive about it and gives him an opening to share his reasons, and his feelings. Once he does, then you can use an empathetic response before getting into your own feelings.
Your reactions and responses are YOURS, but his feelings are HIS, and are LEGITIMATE FOR HIM! This is a critical distinction. You need to see his feelings as legitimate, even if you do not agree with them or like them. They are legitimate for him, from his background and perspective, and empathy recognizes that.
The whole reason for learning empathy is that you want your partner to open up to you. Your partner will never open up if he (or she) thinks you will not understand or, worse yet, will put him down for it. And if he doesn’t open up, then he will clam up.
So every chance you get, especially where you start to feel a strong reaction, STOP and respond empathetically. Let the other person know you understand his or her feelings, even if you are hurt by them or don’t agree with them. AFTER showing you understand where they are coming from, then you can discuss your own feelings.
Many times, the feelings that people tend to hide from their partner come from their various “secret needs.” These are needs that possibly the partner will not understand or agree with, and there are plenty of those in our inhibited society. I devote Chapter 9 of my “Partners in Love and Crime” book to a discussion of these secret needs, and understanding them will give you a big head start in understanding (and empathizing with) your partner. Here is the link to learn more about the book:
http://www.partnersinloveandcrime.com/books.html
Use empathy every chance you get, and it will greatly improve all your relationships!
Source: Randy Hurlburt, Certified Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author
